Saturday, March 26, 2011

Father of the Bride

Since I know there are people with baited breath waiting to hear news of Leeloo coming into heat I'll put you out of your misery. She is *almost* in heat. It's like, a preview to the preview. She has spent the last 3 weeks making a meal out the process of estrus. I tell you I have never looked so often at the hind end of a dog - not exactly an exciting way to spend your time but thankfully the Universe was listening and finally decided to just accept that I was not going to let up on this obsession.

Leeloo has grudgingly put up with me checking her bottom everyday and now that she is moments away from full blown heat she will have to contend with Raimi's attention. he is welcome to it I have to say. Fortunately Leeloo is the epitome of slut when she is in heat so everyone will be happy.

I won't pretend to understand the hormonal workings and the alpha, beta nonsense with dogs - if such a thing exists - but I am going to take a stab and guess that the reason Leeloo has not only delayed her heat by 4 weeks, but added another 2 to 3 weeks to the process is because of Esme. Don't let her size fool you, Esme is a powerhouse under this roof. Leeloo may think she has Esme's number but when it comes to laying down the law - don't mess with Tiny. Her heat back in January seems to have upset the balance of hormones in the vicinity and thus we have been not so patiently waiting for Leeloo to grace us with this disgusting process.

Breeding dogs is not pretty. It is purely hormonal. The loving Boy who thinks the world of me turns into a slathering, whining, pacing, love-starved, testosterone injected, 110lb monstrosity who's only mission in life is to jam his schnoz into Leeloo's hoo-hoo and have his way with her. No drinks, no dinner, no movie ... just action.

The gal on the receiving end is no better. I guess some bitches are more demure, some want the dinner and a movie, some think they are being molested - it's all individual. Leeloo ... well, Leeloo is like a burlesque girl on acid. Even when she is not actually ready to be bred if she could have her way with Boy she would. She all about the action baby and right now. Little tramp.

And then there's another small issue which gives me no small amount of concern. Both of these dogs are, ahem, virgins. Cast your mind back to your youth ... wasn't pretty was it? Well, imagine two dogs, both insane with hormonal desire, completely uninhibited, and with a combined weight of 200 pounds. I predict some false starts and perhaps some 'prematurity' in their future.

And, I do hope you are sitting down for this next bit. Every good fiasco ... I mean, adventure ... needs a co-pilot. The most learned and reliable source of my knowledge, the bedrock of my foundation of (almost) everything I know about dogs, the anchor for my little daliance with dog sex will be ... my parents - more specifically my Dad.  Imagine, if you can, spending an afternoon with your father breeding two hot and heavy dogs. It's quite a prospect no?

"Cup of tea?"
"RAIMI! You're humping the wrong end!"
"Do you take sugar? I can't remember."
"Leeloo, STAND UP!"
"What do you want for lunch?"
"He missed again, get him off her."
"We need to pick a weekend to refinish this floor."
"Hold her head! Hold her head!"
"So you are going to the new PEI shows right?"
"Ugh, Raimi is drooling all over her shoulders"

Yes ... I foresee some real quality father/daughter bonding time in our near future.

1 comment:

Ali P said...

I miss our chats in "the row" at night! This isn't quite the same but still pretty funny. Good luck with the Canine Coitus Chorus.